So I was thinking about being a stay at home mom, and how John gets a pay check every single day for working at a desk (with unlimited internet access) for only 8 hours. And I thought I really, really deserve a pay check for my 12-14 hour a day, physically and mentally-exhausting yet under-stimulating daily grind. I also thought John should pay for it since he technically got me into this mess. But when I carefully broached the subject (because you have to be careful about beginning a conversation with "I need a raise" let alone "I need a pay check"), John wasn't as receptive as I'd hoped.
Me: I need a pay check.
John: You want to go back to work?
Me: I AM at work. That's my point. I'm slave labor. I need a pay check for being a mom. Which means, I think you should pay me for my hours of servitude.
John: You want me to pay you?
Me: I was just thinking that it would be nice to have a pay check once a week that I could go to the bank and cash...
John: You want me to write a check out of our bank account, and then put it back into the same account?
Me: When you put it THAT way, you make it sound like I'm stealing family money. But really, it would be like stealing from the rich to give to the poor...
John: Who's the poor in this scenario?
Me: I was also calculating my Paid Time Off...
John: What about gas reimbursement?
Me: Excellent point! You should totally be reimbursing me for gas! After all, I drive the kids to appointments, pick Eric up from school... it's only fair.
John: I meant YOU reimburse ME!
Me: Whatever for? I don't even USE your car! So let's talk about PTO...
Me: I think I deserve Paid Time Off for every dirty diaper changed. Let's say... an hour for every poopy diaper. So let's calculate this... Rachel is now 2...
John: I get PTO for every SIX HOURS WORKED!
Me: Ok, fine. Six poopy diapers for an hour of PTO. I can negotiate....
John: No PTO... this is your job. Suck it up.
Me: Fine. I quit.
John: You want to tell the kids that their Mommy is leaving?
Me: Eric, Mommy is leaving.
Eric: Umm... Can I have a popsicle?
Me: See? You could replace me tomorrow with a Bolivian house-keeper, and the kids totally wouldn't notice. I put up with a lot of crap, but do I complain?
Me: Standing up for my civil rights is not the same thing as complaining. You're The Man, and you're just trying to keep me down.
Laurie: Don't let 'The Man' keep you down!
Eric: Mommy, I need your help. I have to poop.
Me: I think wiping another person's behind is overtime!
Eric: Daddy, pay Mommy overtime!
Me: Did you hear that???
John: I'm ignoring you....
P.S. In hindsight, I should have hired a lawyer. I think I can get a lot more benefits with legal representation. Even my 3 year old knows I need to be paid for services rendered.