How to annoy your spouse AND anonymous strangers AT THE SAME TIME!

My husband John has several religions, the most notable being Christianity, politics, and Redskins football. Every night John worships at the feet of football forums, where he is a moderator. When we first got married, I was annoyed that this took up what I felt was WAY too much of his free time. Free time he should be spending with his new wife: rubbing her feet, cooking her dinner, taking her for shopping sprees at Swarovski...

After five years of marriage, I came to realize something that was probably painfully obvious to most singles but leads to divorce in most cases- if you can't beat him, join him.

Now I love football as much as the next couch potato, but I wasn't about to join a football forum where random people analyzed draft picks. Draft picks, for pete's sake... So I asked myself: What did I like enough to commit time and energy to...? Well, I like t.v. And I'm watching this show called Human Target, so maybe I'll look on the Fox community boards for the show and lurk a bit.

So I lurked for about a year until I finally got up the courage to type my opinions about characters and episodes. I decided to get really creative and go under the pseudonym "Jennifer."

What I found out was- Wow! Posting is fun! After awhile I started responding to more threads. Then I got up the courage to start my OWN thread. Then I got addicted, which I'm pretty sure John wasn't counting on (Note to couples- being on your computer as much as your husband will either lead to understanding or strife, but it will always be fun). :-)

I love the forums on Human Target, mostly because I find random strangers who AGREE with me which is so cool... Most of the board discussions revolve around the introduction of 2 new characters in the second season named Ilsa and Ames who happen to both be women. The majority of posters hate these new additional characters because it changed the entire dynamic of the show. And now the show is going to probably be canceled.

But every now and then some random schmuck will start a thread or join a discussion and be insulting. I'm all for using sardonic wit to make a point, but I get irritated when people make personal attacks, mostly because the posters to this forum write like prepubescent tweens that flunked eighth grade English and that brings out my natural teacher sense as well as my maternal instincts. Call me old-fashioned, but I have a problem with anyone who starts a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

Yesterday, I finally got an opportunity to use my contentious sarcasm on one of these schmucks named JP. I'm pretty sure JP is a disaffected college student on spring break because he has a lot of free time on his hands and writes like an eloquent prick. JP started a new thread, and this was also his first post. The transcript follows:

Men Become More Interesting When in the Company of Independent Women JP Posts: 6 Keep everybody! The Ilsa-Chance angle is less about romance than it is about relationships. And the relationships are less predictable when you've got this mix of five people with different stories and sometimes different goals.These relationships (Winston + Guerrero, Guerrero + Ames, Guerrero + Chance, Ilsa + Ames, and Winston + Ilsa) take the stories and from basic comic book to something better. Perhaps if the guys who want to eliminate the women characters were more comfortable with independent women, they wouldn't be so hostile, like 8-year-olds protecting their treehouse from girls with cooties. Jennifer Posts: 141 Dude... I'm so uncomfortable with independent women that everytime I pass a mirror I scream at my reflection, rip up my Roth IRA documents, and heave the stapler at my college diplomas. OR... how about this angle: maybe a majority of the people really enjoyed the show the first season and felt duped when it changed completely in the second. JP Posts: 6 A majority? "Dude," what was the size of your survey sample and what was your methodology? (Then a cool guy named Duncan jumps in and tries to keep the discussion civil and on topic. He fails.) Duncan Posts: 71 JP go and look through the posts that remain on this forum and they will provide you with evidence to the fact that the majority including myself enjoyed season one because there were not whiney women but independent strong female characters. JP Posts: 6 Ah--a self-selected sample. Not statistically relevant. As for the descriptor "whiney"--that fits Bridget Jones and Sarah Palin more than it fits the characters of Ilsa and Ames. Jennifer Posts: 141 Mar 8, 2011 -- 5:04PM, JP wrote: A majority? "Dude," what was the size of your survey sample and what was your methodology? Dear JP, No formal methodology, but reviewing posts doesn't require a class on statistical analysis. I encourage you to read through the posts about the addition of the women. The majority of people who have posted were highly displeased to say the least. And not all of them were men, even if that surprises you. But if fans of the show on these boards isn't enough of a population sample, I would be happy to help you contact Gallup. P.S. Sarah Palin isn't whiney; she's belligerent. In that respect, you two have a bit in common... JP Posts: 6 Of the two of us, you're the only one who chose made a personal attack. It's ironic that you called me "belligerent"--from the Latin word for war. You have demonstrated that the anonymity of these postings doesn't bring out the civility in everyone. Jennifer Posts: 141 Dear JP, From your first post: "Perhaps if the guys who want to eliminate the women characters were more comfortable with independent women, they wouldn't be so hostile, like 8-year-olds protecting their treehouse from girls with cooties." You started this thread by making a personal attack to every man on this forum who happens to disagree with you on the addition of the female characters. Most of the people on these boards, and I've been on them for a year now, think they add nothing and take away from the original concept of the show. You can disagree, that's fine. But don't hide behind your thesaurus and be wounded when someone bites back after being attacked. If you want posters to be civil, then begin with a civilized discussion. You reap what you sow, my friend. As for anonymity, as you can see I have no problem using my real name.
JP Posts: 6 You seem to speak for a lot of people: Not only "the majority," but "every guy on this forum." Still, apology accepted. Jennifer Posts: 141 Dear JP, I know you wanted the last word. Oops. Just out of curiosity, why did you join this forum? I ask, not because I object to you being here at all, but the only posts you rush to write are on this thread that you created, no doubt to add some drama to an otherwise dull day. You haven't bothered to check any of the other threads that would prove your theory incorrect, and yet you seem to have ample time to research as to whether the majority of people like or dislike the addition of the women to the show. I would really like to hear what you have to say on other topics. That being said, I'm quite sure I didn't apologize to you. Let me check. Because as a stay at home mom I could do this s**t ALL DAY... Nope, didn't apologize. But if you would like to apologize to me, that would be great. Could you throw in a million dollars? And a pony? Forget the pony. They poop a lot.
(At this point, a nice girl named Taryn tries to once again get back to the original topic. Then she mentioned she liked the pony comment.)
Jennifer Posts: 141 Thanks Taryn. But I'm afraid I'm giving up sarcasm for Lent. Of course, if JP continues to post on this thread (and we continue in this vein), I'll be forced to give up something more substantial like Triscuit Thin Crisps, which would suck because my local Giant just started carrying the Quattro Formaggio ones. As for the women... well, that debate has been so overdone on other threads (and discussed more efficiently) that I guess I just felt like hammering home more important things like the pony. I blame the fact that yesterday was Fat Tuesday. That and the fact that I really, really wanted a pony when I was a girl. I have emotional scars. I think the bottom line is this: people like what they like, but most people who have posted here seem to prefer the women be written out of future scripts. And for all the forum readers who had the misfortune of finding this thread, you can ignore everything I've written up this point, but remember this one thing: Quattro Formaggio Triscuits are delicious. You should go out and buy a box. But they are also highly addictive, like small triangles of crack cocaine. Don't say I didn't warn you...
I hope I was able to impart something to JP, mainly that no one likes a smart ass and that Triscuits taste better than sarcasm.