What we have here is a failure to communicate...

John and I subscribed to a lawn service last year for several reasons:
1) we're lazy
2) we have 2 preschoolers who make us even lazier whenever we have any down time
3) our neighbors both have immaculate lawns with no weeds, and our weeds were filtering into their lawns; except for the fact that we let our kids run around their property, we try and at least pretend we care about the quality of their yards.

The lawn service came out today in the pouring rain and left their "comments" about what they did. They are usual brief and to the point, but about 30% of the way through reading it this time, I was laughing so hard I couldn't help but post. These are the comments verbatim:

I TREATED YOUR LAWN WITH THE PREVENTATIVE GRUB CONTROL TREATMENT. AS WITH ALL GRUB CONTROL MATERIALS, THE BEST RESULTS ARE ACHIEVED IF THIS TREATMENT CAN BE THOROUGHLY WATERED IN. THIS TREATMENT CONSISTS OF DILUTE IMIDACLOPID. THANKS FOR LETTING ME SERVICE YOUR LAWN. LAWN LOOKS GREAT! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. IT WAS NICE SEEING YOU TODAY. IT WAS NICE VISITING WITH YOU TODAY. I AM GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO MEET TODAY. I WAS VERY CAREFUL AROUND YOUR PLANTS AND LANDSCAPING. WOW! THE LAWN LOOKS GREAT! YOU ARE DOING A SUPER JOB OF MOWING. THE LAWN LOOKS GREAT. YOUR GOOD WATERING AND MOWING PRACTICES ARE ENHANCING THE COLOR AND THICKNESS OF YOUR LAWN. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. YOU LAWN WOULD BENEFIT FROM MOWING MORE FREQUENTLY. THE COMMON RULE OF THUMB IS TO MOW OFF NO MORE THAN 1/3 OF THE GRASS BLADE AT ANY ONE TIME DURING PERIODS OF PEAK GROWTH, THIS MAY REQUIRE MOWING EVERY FOUR OR FIVE DAYS. PLEASE HAVE YOUR MOWER SHARPENED (John just replaced the blade with a new one). A DULL MOWER BLADE SHREDS THE GLASS BLADES. A SHARP BLADE IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE OVERALL HEALTH , COLOR, AND APPEARANCE OF THE LAWN. YOUR LAWN IS THICK AND FULL WITH NO BARE AREAS EVIDENT (we removed a crab-apple tree last fall and still have a huge hole in our front lawn). THIS MEANS YOU SHOULD EXPECT VERY NICE RESULTS FROM YOUR PROGRAM THIS YEAR. TODAY I TREATED YOUR LAWN FRONT SIDES AND BACK .THIS APPLICATION CONTROL GRUB INSECTS DISEASES . FOR THE BEST RESULTS THIS TREATMENT SHOULD BE THOROUGHLY WATERED IN TODAY IS THE RESULTS THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING US

I learned several things today:

1) We should mow every 3 days. Then stop for 5. Then mow again but not before measuring the grass. I'm so confused...
2) Our ex-crab-apple tree was hiding an Einstein-Rosen bridge into another dimension that closes whenever no one is looking. Everyone knows how unstable and unpredictable worm-holes are. Which is probably why...
3) Worms are taking over our lawn, and our grass will probably get the plague. I blame the worm hole, obviously.

If I were you, I'd stay away from our yard.