He needs to come home from work earlier more often...

Actual conversation with John at 5:28pm today:

Me: Hey John! How was work? ["Hi Daddy!" Eric screams as he runs naked through the house. Rachel runs up to John in her diaper, says "hi" and runs back outside.]

John: Uh... hey.

Me: You just missed Rachel pooping in technicolor. I think she gets that from your side of the family.

John: [muttering] I doubt it...

Eric: Come downstairs!

John: Get some clothes on first.

Eric [after getting dressed with help from Mom] Come and play downstairs, Mommy!

Rachel: Outside!

Me: [looking at John] Which one do you want?

John: I'll take Rachel.

Hallelujah, because it's 95 degrees outside with humidity! I follow Eric downstairs to listen to the Belly Button song for the 418th time while finishing up laundry. As I take the laundry upstairs, Rachel shoots downstairs. John gets on my computer. The kids are happily playing in the basement. Peace and happiness. Which always lasts about .07 of a second before Rachel starts crying and/or Eric starts screaming.

Rachel: WHHHHAAAAAA!

Me: [looking at John] I will pay you a thousand dollars if you go downstairs with the kids right now.

John: What's this "Maids, not murder" thing on your computer??

Me: I haven't had a chance to actually read it yet. And the price just went down to $800...

John: [getting up] Alright...

Me: Thanks. Did I mention you get paid out of your paycheck? Since I don't actually have a paying job and all...

At this point, John said something I can't repeat here. But the kids played with Daddy for about 5 minutes before they tracked me down like a pack of crazed dogs in a fox hunt. And I learned that if I had a maid I would live 11 years longer and be less likely to poison John. But John would have to pay for that out of his check, too.

What's worse than fighting zombies?

Besides fighting zombie-alien hybrids...??

The answer is: Potty-training a strong-willed child.

So much worse than fighting the undead. Especially if you have Vin Diesel to help you fight the undead.

If you haven't read the last couple of posts on this blog, you must be so confused...

I decided to start tackling potty-training with Rachel. She's almost 26 months old and is currently obsessed with potty books and videos. I reasoned that this would be the perfect time. I followed my friend Karen's advice and placed a potty next to the changing table so Rachel would begin to associate what goes on in her diaper with what should go on in the potty. After I change Rachel, I let her sit on the potty for as long as she wants.

Maybe one of these days she'll actually figure things out. Because right now, Rachel thinks having the potty next to the changing table is the best game EVER!! After changing her, she sits naked on the potty for about 0.08 seconds. Then she cries with delight and races into her brother's room. Before I can catch her, she is flailing around buck-naked on his bed while laughing hysterically.

While all this is going on, Eric has dropped trou and is actually using Rachel's potty. Which means I now have to clean that up and pray that Eric doesn't regress into only using little training potties again since he is also pretty strong-willed.

After I am finally done helping Eric dump his mess into the real toilet, Rachel usually decides that the carpeted floor is the perfect place to pee, clean potty be damned.

I totally get how some parents have their 7 year-old still in diapers. I am still having nightmares about starting bedtime training...

Fighting zombies? WAY easier...

P.S. Can I just say that seeing "zombies," "potty-training," and "Vin Diesel" all in ONE label for a blog post is totally awesome!

I am TOTALLY PSYCHIC!!!!!

OMG you guys... So the DAY that I had the dream of the zombie/ alien invasion where Vin Diesel and I save humanity from certain disaster in the waters of the Pacific, the Center for Disease Control sends out their Emergency and Preparedness and Response for how to best survive a zombie apocalypse. I kid you not. It's right here.

It gives the run down on how to prepare for a zombie attack and what to have on hand: water, food, first aid kits... They mention nothing about having Vin Diesel. Nor do they mention 7-11, which my husband was certain would be headquarters for human resistance (HA, John!!!). The CDC says you should also have a change of clothes for each family member and important documents like your driver's license and birth certificate.

Ummm... OK. So maybe it's just me, but WHY would you need your birth certificate when fighting zombies? My dream took place towards the end of the apocalypse with humanity's final stand against the zombie-alien things, and NO ONE gave a rat's a** about their birth certificates. I remember cars being hard to come by though. Probably because we were all too busy running away from our starving zombie significant others to grab our driver's licenses on the way out the door.

The CDC wants to encourage all Americans that IF the zombie apocalypse comes, they were conduct a thorough investigation like any other disease. Even if that means going door-to-door. Which means those idiots will either all be dead or become zombies themselves walking door-to-door haphazardly like a bunch of well-dressed Jehovah's Witnesses.

Here's the Jen Plan for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse:

1) Find Vin Diesel
2) Get weapons. That's right CDC. WEAPONS. Hello? You're fighting zombies, not meningitis.
3) Get a small group of well-armed humans to come with you and Vin Diesel to your nearest 7-11.
4) Steal a slurpee. Mostly because it's the end of the world and who gives a rip about stealing or the extra calories, but also because you will be really thirsty from fighting off zombies.

Then do whatever the heck you want because the Twinkies at 7-11 will probably outlive you. Although I would personally make sure you can run faster than most of the poor schmucks you picked up on the way to 7-11.

Really, finding Vin Diesel is the most important thing.

You're welcome.

Take that CDC!

When fighting zombies or aliens, make sure you make it to LA. With Vin Diesel. But don't mention the last part to your husband.

Conversation with John:

Me: I had a weird dream last night. I was at a 7-11 with a bunch of people. One of them was Vin Diesel, but it totally wasn't some crazy fantasy dream because we were all busy running from zombies. Or aliens. They looked more like aliens.

John: [Typing on his computer, saying nothing]

Me: So anyway, it was night, but no one was supposed to be out at night... which is why I thought we were being chased by zombies. But strangely enough the 7-11 was open... Anyway, we were all trying to get a ride to Los Angeles... I wonder why Vin Diesel didn't have a car?

John: That's a good question...

Me: So the only truck available was carting GM cars heading west, so we all climbed in a car and fell asleep on the way. I think I saw that in a movie once... Anyway, I remember waking up and seeing the Hollywood sign. The rocky hills were especially vivid, I'm not sure why... But when we got there, somehow it was only Vin and myself. I think the others went sightseeing. Vin owned a shop in LA, and the zombies came to see him when I was in the back...

Laurie: You were probably going to the bathroom...

John: [looking at me, saying nothing]

Me: At any rate, they were definitely not human. Maybe they wanted his autograph, but the next thing I know, Vin and I have joined a ton of people in the Pacific ocean fighting the zombies, who somehow couldn't swim. So Vin was, like, throwing knives or something at them, while I was underwater retrieving more weapons... Then I woke up. I'm pretty sure it was humanity's last stand.

John: [grabs the computer, wondering what the hell his wife has been typing for the last ten minutes] ... [starts reading] ... [starts typing]
Zombies ... or aliens? How the hell don't you know the difference?! This is damn important!

Me: All I know is they weren't human... and I now have this strange urge to go see "Fast and Furious 5"...

John: [continues reading] 7-11 is always open. I fully expect it to be part of, if not the headquarters, of the human resistance in face of the Zombie Apocalypse.

Me: I think I want a slurpee...

John: [continuing] Wow ... your dream also comes with ad placements as well. That's ... kind of creepy.

Me: They could have been BMWs...

John: [finishes reading] You've got some effed up dreams.

Me: So it's perfectly OK to cheat on you during the alien apocalypse?

John: [shrugs] Well, if I'm already dead...

P.S. John was pretty understanding about the whole thing. The only thing he got the least bit upset about was my ignorance about whether it was a zombie or alien apocalypse.
I think John has issues.

[John] P.P.S. IT'S IMPORTANT!! I mean, if they're Zombies, then you know not to engage them in close range, which you could do with aliens. Well, at least some aliens. Aliens, on the other hand, might have salvageable equipment you can use against them in the war to retake our world. It makes all the difference!! Hell, if I'm dead, I hope you have a fighting chance to survive, but if you cannot tell the difference between a zombie and an alien ... well ... just make sure you shoot yourself before you infect Vin Diesel.

P.P.P.S. I knew John was mad about Vin Diesel...

What we have here is a failure to communicate...

John and I subscribed to a lawn service last year for several reasons:
1) we're lazy
2) we have 2 preschoolers who make us even lazier whenever we have any down time
3) our neighbors both have immaculate lawns with no weeds, and our weeds were filtering into their lawns; except for the fact that we let our kids run around their property, we try and at least pretend we care about the quality of their yards.

The lawn service came out today in the pouring rain and left their "comments" about what they did. They are usual brief and to the point, but about 30% of the way through reading it this time, I was laughing so hard I couldn't help but post. These are the comments verbatim:

I TREATED YOUR LAWN WITH THE PREVENTATIVE GRUB CONTROL TREATMENT. AS WITH ALL GRUB CONTROL MATERIALS, THE BEST RESULTS ARE ACHIEVED IF THIS TREATMENT CAN BE THOROUGHLY WATERED IN. THIS TREATMENT CONSISTS OF DILUTE IMIDACLOPID. THANKS FOR LETTING ME SERVICE YOUR LAWN. LAWN LOOKS GREAT! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. IT WAS NICE SEEING YOU TODAY. IT WAS NICE VISITING WITH YOU TODAY. I AM GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO MEET TODAY. I WAS VERY CAREFUL AROUND YOUR PLANTS AND LANDSCAPING. WOW! THE LAWN LOOKS GREAT! YOU ARE DOING A SUPER JOB OF MOWING. THE LAWN LOOKS GREAT. YOUR GOOD WATERING AND MOWING PRACTICES ARE ENHANCING THE COLOR AND THICKNESS OF YOUR LAWN. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. YOU LAWN WOULD BENEFIT FROM MOWING MORE FREQUENTLY. THE COMMON RULE OF THUMB IS TO MOW OFF NO MORE THAN 1/3 OF THE GRASS BLADE AT ANY ONE TIME DURING PERIODS OF PEAK GROWTH, THIS MAY REQUIRE MOWING EVERY FOUR OR FIVE DAYS. PLEASE HAVE YOUR MOWER SHARPENED (John just replaced the blade with a new one). A DULL MOWER BLADE SHREDS THE GLASS BLADES. A SHARP BLADE IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE OVERALL HEALTH , COLOR, AND APPEARANCE OF THE LAWN. YOUR LAWN IS THICK AND FULL WITH NO BARE AREAS EVIDENT (we removed a crab-apple tree last fall and still have a huge hole in our front lawn). THIS MEANS YOU SHOULD EXPECT VERY NICE RESULTS FROM YOUR PROGRAM THIS YEAR. TODAY I TREATED YOUR LAWN FRONT SIDES AND BACK .THIS APPLICATION CONTROL GRUB INSECTS DISEASES . FOR THE BEST RESULTS THIS TREATMENT SHOULD BE THOROUGHLY WATERED IN TODAY IS THE RESULTS THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING US

I learned several things today:

1) We should mow every 3 days. Then stop for 5. Then mow again but not before measuring the grass. I'm so confused...
2) Our ex-crab-apple tree was hiding an Einstein-Rosen bridge into another dimension that closes whenever no one is looking. Everyone knows how unstable and unpredictable worm-holes are. Which is probably why...
3) Worms are taking over our lawn, and our grass will probably get the plague. I blame the worm hole, obviously.

If I were you, I'd stay away from our yard.

My place in this world

Day 50- A picture of my favorite place in the world
No big surprise here... it's Tokyo, Japan. But there are two places in Tokyo that have a special place in my heart. One is the island of Odaiba. It's the largest artificial island in Japan and sits in Tokyo Bay. It's also damn near impossible to get to, unless you take a scenic boat tour from one port near Asakusa temple, or happen to find the monorail that only connects you to the island within certain specific subway stations. I only found Odaiba through the generous guiding of my friend Sonoko.

I remember Odaiba for the amazing restaurants, shopping, and the coolest indoor amusement park/ gaming area I've ever been to. And... of course, the Giant Sky Wheel where Mariko and I made out rode together.

And then there's Ueno Park at the peak of the Sakura or Cherry Blossom festival. Years ago, I dreamed of being proposed to under the cherry blossoms in Ueno Park. By day you can sit under the trees on the tarps provided and read a book while feasting on yakisoba and chugging Chu-Hi, which is fruit-flavored beer.

Chu-Hi tastes better than it sounds. Really.

At night, the red lanterns light up and create a communal excitement unparalleled in a country where everyone safely keeps to themselves. Ueno Park during this time is one of the few places where I have felt connected to the culture around me and not a gaijin outcast.

I dream of going back to Tokyo again in the spring during the Sakura festival. I want to introduce this astonishing and crazy city to John and my children. Everytime I travel back to Japan, I feel reborn.

P.S. John found out about the whole proposal thing because he wanted to know what Chu-Hi was, and I happened to inadvertently read the whole paragraph on the sakura festival. I reassured him that the Melting Pot was an awesome place to propose because it had chocolate fondue, which Ueno Park does NOT have. I wanted to make him feel even better so I explained that he could always make my dream come true by taking me to Ueno Park and giving me *another* ring under the cherry blossoms because our 5 year anniversary is coming up. He laughed. I'm pretty sure he was laughing about the fruit-flavored beer though and not at the idea of whisking me away to my favorite place on earth and lavishing me with diamonds. That would be cruel.

Ask and you shall receive...

Day 49, Part II

Taken during my bachelorette party 2 days before my wedding. All of my best friends are in this shot, except for Kelly who graciously offered to take the picture.
Mariko is standing up giving the toast. Go figure!
Sitting down going clockwise are my amazing friends: Karen, KC (the other Kelly), Ayano, and myself.

Good times....

Thank you for the photo, Kelly! You are incredible. :-)

And just to rub more salt in the wound...

Day 49- A picture of you and your friends...It didn't say the picture had to be recent. Guess who has no current pictures of her friends on her computer?

I may lose friends for posting this picture. But honestly, I look more ridiculous than anyone else. I believe that entitles me to post it here. I mean, good grief, people actually wore frayed jean shorts in public, people! Also, I'm pretty sure no one in this particular shot reads my blog. Probably because I blinded them the day I wore that shirt to school.

I'll find out soon enough.

P.S. Dear Karen and Kellys- Send me some photos that are uploaded onto your computer. Otherwise people will start to think I made you guys up. Thanks. Love, Jen :-)

How about 20 years, just to make me feel even older...

Day 48- A picture of me more than 10 years ago...From this picture, we can discern that both youth AND perm solution are wasted on the young.

Can wolves and owls be soulmates?

One day when I was a teacher I received one of those obnoxious forwards that I know I don't have time for and should immediately delete. It went something like this:

"Please don't delete!" This is where I should have instantly deleted the message and actually checked my professional inbox. "This will help you understand something critical about yourself!" because I'm incapable of doing this without electronic spam.

Then the email got down to business: "What's your favorite animal?"

I was bored. Very bored. So I wrote: Wolves

Then it asked in that all-knowing, patronizing way that only mass-produced email can: "Why do you like your favorite animal?"

Huh. I had never really thought about it before, but I typed: I like wolves because they are loyal to their family and those they trust, they are misunderstood, friendly, mysterious, strong and fierce yet gentle, intelligent, they mate for life, and I am attracted to them, but not in some sick, bestiality way. I thought that last point was particularly important.

Question #2: "What's your SECOND favorite animal?" (because apparently not putting "SECOND" in screaming, boldface type would make me forget that I had just answered the previous question)

I typed: Owls.

Once again I receive the question: "Why do you like your SECOND favorite animal?"

I typed: I like owls because they are intelligent, predatory animals. They can fly, and I can relate to them because they stay up at night and enjoy sleeping during the day. They are fierce even though they look cute. They can turn their heads 270 degrees to watch their prey and have cool eyes.

Then I had to scroll down to the very bottom of the email because scrolling down for 10 minutes to get to the point of these forwards somehow makes us happily eager for an answer to the mass stupidity we've indulged in.

It said: "The FIRST animal you listed as your favorite is the animal that is your soulmate. The traits you listed are ones that you desire in a mate. The SECOND animal is you. The traits you listed are ones that you see in yourself."

Unlike most forwards, I feel like this was an interesting observation and a good use of my time because I learned several things:

1) That I like hairy men who are intelligent, strong, friendly, and loyal.
2) I can fly and rotate my head around in order to capture rodents.

I can definitely say that I found my soul-mate, though the only mystery is why someone who gets paid to spend 8 hours programming on a computer can possibly want to spend all of his free time at home ON THE BLOODY COMPUTER.

I can also definitively attest to flying around at night when no one is looking. At least in my dreams. And I do have cool eyes.

(By the way, this is Day 47- A picture of my favorite animal. Done. If you want to read a much funnier post on Wolves, click here.)